Funny U Kick the Guys but No Girsl Lo

One of the most slap-happy, lovably stupid movies ever made; of course there's a plethora of notable Funny Moments:

• The baby Chosen One rolling down a really tall mountain. When he finally rolls to a stop, a passing woman picks him up, says "So cute" and throws him down the mountain again.
• The effeminate voice on the goon that approaches Chosen One: "Your days are over, mister."
• The Narrator's speech about two minutes into the movie. Just the way he keeps going on about it.

  I mean, crap, man! Look at that! That's, like, his stomach plug on the ground back there. You don't see that every day. I mean, that doesn't really even seem possible if you think about it — with body organs and cartilage and bones... I mean, I'm no doctor, but that was like one clean chunk!

• The absurd amount of zoom-ins and zoom-outs at the beginning when Chosen One faces a masked bad guy and his minions. At one point, Chosen One does a silly pose during all this. It eventually zooms in on Chosen One's nipple for no reason.
  • After the multiple zoom ins, the masked man grabs for his sword hilt. The Chosen One inhales nervously. The masked man released his sword. The Chosen One exhales in relief and the camera continues to zoom in and out on the pair again.
    • Oh, and among the minions is a random bikini-wearing woman. She, along with some of the minions, gets defeated by the Chosen One's bamboo stick spinning.
  • "I need gopher chucks!" And for added effect, there's a brief close-up of the gophers being swung around while their high-pitched voices squeal.
  • The masked bad guy attempts to use a smoke bomb to disappear, but it turns out to be ineffective as it's too small and the wind blows the smoke away. He hangs his head in embarrassment.
  • After the bad guys that the Chosen One defeats get back up, the Chosen One plucks their eyes out and they fall back down. The Chosen One then makes a high-pitched yell that continues to rise in pitch until a blood vessel bursts in his neck and he falls down.
• The kung-fu class's chant: "Our. Sexual. Preferences. Are. Our. Own. Business!"
  • And then later: ONE! OF US! IS WEARING! A PUSH-UP BRA! IT'S LACY! AND CUTE! WITH PADDED! SUPPORT!
• This:
• And later on:

  Who's he? Have you seen him before?

  Mmm-mmm. Well, twice.

• This scene:

  Master Tang: I remember, a long time ago, when a good friend of mine told me there would be a Chosen One.

  (dreamy flashback)

  Ling's Father: There will be a chosen one.

  (flashback ends)

  Master Tang: Then he told me... of the significance.

  (dreamy flashback)

  Ling's Father: It will be significant.

  (flashback ends)

  (dreamy flashback)

  (flashback ends)

  Chosen One: I now officially know too much... ...and why are you in bed?

  (scene suddenly changes to Master Tang lying in bed with Ling attending to him)

  Master Tang: Oh, you won't even believe what happened next.

  (dreamy flashback starts to begin, but Chosen One interrupts it)

  Chosen One: No, please!

  Master Tang: Very well, Chosen One.

  • "Yes, yes. Yes, play me like a drum."
• During Chosen One's training, he is seen using a Bowflex. Other highlights: Doing push-ups by blowing the ground (even the narrator is impressed: "I'll have some 'a whatever he's smokin'!") and doing a ridiculous amount of flips in the air.
• "You will now receive the Fist of Fury! Prepare the long rubber glove. Eenie, meenie, miney, mo; I wonder where my glove will go..."
• The Chosen One's introduction to Ling:

  Master Tang: By the way, my student Ling here will assist you. Be not concerned of her shyness, for it will pass.

  Ling: (smiles shyly at Chosen One)

  Chosen One: (smiles back and gives her a polite nod)

  Ling: (quickly rips open the front of her shirt, flashing her (bra-covered) breasts at him, before closing it again)

  Master Tang: There you go.

• Pretty much everything associated with Wimp Lo.

  Wimp Lo: If you've got an ass, I'll kick it!

  • And Master Tang's reason for keeping Wimp Lo around:

  Master Tang: I must apologize for Wimp Lo. He is an idiot. We have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke.

  • "I'm a man too, you know. I go peepee standing up!"
  • "I rock and roll, all day long, sweet Susie!"
  • "Leap that wall, if you're so great!"
  • "Take a good look, cuz I rule, baby."
    • "And who do you rule, the large-dark-nipple people?".
  • The entire fight between Wimp Lo and the Chosen One.
    • "Now we'll...learn. WHO'S THE BEST!"
    • Wimp Lo, after he gets kicked in the face: "Ha! Face-to-foot style, how'd ya like it?!"
    • The Chosen One's Deadpan Snarky responses help make that scene:

    "I'm sure on some planet, your style is quite impressive, but your weak link is, this is Earth!"

    • "Oh yeah?! Try my-nuts-to-your-fist style!" *gets knocked to the ground* "Ohoho, ahaha, who's laughing now?!"
    • At the end of the fight: "I'm bleeding. Making me the victor!"
  • Wimp Lo doing to flip to ascend a wall.. and smashing into that wall.

    "Up and ooovvverrr - (crash) twee."

• The Asian man speaking with a Southern accent.

  Man: (drawl) Chosen One! Master Pain's in town! (...) He's meetin' with the Mayor. Ohhhhhh, 'his is bad.

• Master Pain tells a joke:

  Master Pain: What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? (long pause) ....My ass. (laughs, and everyone joins him. Suddenly...) ENOUGH!

• "You will now refer to me by the name, Betty!" And everyone just... does. For the rest of the movie.
  • "Easy, we don't want to lose any toes here."
• The scene where Master Pain Betty shows off his secret skill — the ability to resist Groin Attacks.

  Betty: Towel.

  • Then a scene later, the Chosen One's failure to replicate said ability as he's beaten mercilessly with sticks.
• This line:

  Ling: Chosen One, I want to help you, but I... I... I... I... I... I...

• Pretty much any time Ling's dialogue just digresses into her making these high-pitched "WEEE-OOOO-WEEE-OOOH" sounds for no apparent reason. Eventually, she and Master Pain- sorry, Betty, just spend half a minute making wordless noises at each other.
• Chosen One meets the one-boobed Whoa, and can't take his eyes off it.

  Chosen One: I-I'm sorry?

• "Ohhhhh, Taco Bell, Taco Bell, Product Placement with Taco Bell. Enchirito, nacho, burrito!"
• Master Pain/Betty fighting mutiple opponents to MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This".
  • "What's the time?" "Hammer Time!"
• "At least cover your mouth! We're all going to catch it!"
• "Goodbye, Sally!"
  • "It's Betty, you son of a pig. The name is Betty."
• "You'll never make it. Never make it. Never make it. Never make it, never. Don't you see you can't make it?"
  • "I implore you to reconsider".
    • "Hmmm...okay."
• The chosen one's entire fight with Moon Yuu, the cow.
  • There are plenty of people who don't like this fight too much, and instead opt to replace the music whenever it comes on. Often with Rules of Nature from Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance. Think about that for a minute.
• When Chosen One fights Betty for the first time:
  • He really should have listened to that one-boobed chick.
  • This scene is also the genesis of one of Betty's catch phrases: "Shirt ripper!"
  • "When you girls are done kissing, I'VE GOT SOME ASS-KICKING FOR YOU!! "
• "I'll get the Neosporin. (singing) Neo... BA-DA-DA-DA!... sporin!... BA-DA-DA-DA!"
  • How does Master Tang recognize Ling's father when Chosen One brings him for treatment? He's the one who killed the dog by farting.
• Master Tang rubs the injured Ling's Father's chest:

  Ling's Father: No no, please. I have a wound there!
  Master Tang: Come on, don't spoil everything. This works for both of us, huh?

  • In the very next shot, Ling's Father's body is being hauled away to be buried - his wound never closed properly.
• When Ling is mourning her father's demise:

  Ling: He was my father my entire life. We were friends, I loved him, and now he's dead. Except for his hair and nails, dead. (quacks)

  • Ling keeps taking off and putting on her qipao.

  Ling: TAKE ME, MAN MEAT!...But I don't want you to think I'm a slut.

• "You must take your place in the great circle of........''stuff''."
  • Behold the symbols. One, over here. The other... over there.
  • "This, is CNN. C.....N..... N ....."
• "Hey, guys. What's goin' on?" (gets punched)
• The Ventriloquists.

  "We are both ventriloquists, ventriloquists, ventriloquists. We are both ventriloquists and we practice everyday."
  "He carries the baskets."
  "He carries the paper roll."
  "And we don't have cysts, but there is one thing that's for sure, my friend, we are ventriloquists."

  • Later after fighting Betty.

  "We are both ventriloquists and now we're upside down!"

  "I swing a bit more!"

  "I swing a bit less!"

  • "On the life of my dummy, I swear this: I'll never tell you where he is."
  • Master Pain: "Orson!". Minions: "Your Welles."
• Betty pretending to be a bird.

  Betty's Henchman: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

  Betty: I'm just a birdie, too!

• I am a great magician! YOUR CLOTHES ARE RED!
  • "This is bad, this is really bad, yourclothesareblack."
  • RED CLOTHES!
    • And of course, this is only done to justify continuity errors for scenes they wanted to use in which one character had changed their clothing.
• "Ohhh...chicken go 'cluck, cluck,' cow go 'moo!' Piggy go 'oink oink,' how about you? Gonna be an animal just like you...lemur go *hiss hiss*, ostrich go, 'Peh!' Koala go *click click click click*..."
  • Betty plays Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" as he beats you up. Just ask Master Tang.

  Master Tang: And beware his song about big butts. He beats you up while he plays it.

• One of Betty's goons tailing Ling, to the other goons: "You go that way, I'll go home."
• "Chosen One!" "I'm coming!" (repeated three times) Very well edited.
• There's an Intermission in this movie. Really.

  Betty: Go get some snacks, perhaps a carbonated soda!

  Ling: I hope they have Icees!

  Chosen One: I've chosen the large tub.

  Wimp Lo: My nipples look like Milk Duds!

• During Master Tang's fight with Betty, Betty attacks him with claws prompting him to make a choice.

  Master Tang: Okay, so, here were my options: A, Quickly duck sideways, dodge the claw and take him out with a spinning back-kick. Or B, take the claw in the face, then roll on the ground, and die.
  Takes the claw to the face and rolls over
  Master Tang: Hm, should have gone with A.

• The scene where the Chosen One discovers everyone dead in the woods, particularly the repeating sudden zoom-in on his face.
  • And this:

  Master Tang: (dying) Listen, and listen well. I really like the band *NSYNC. My favorite member is Harpo. I think there's a Harpo. If not, there should be. I will write their next hit, maybe. "A-boom-boom chickie-chickie boom-boom boom-chickie chaka-chaka-choo-choo."

  • When he finds Dog near-death, theres a quick zoom in on its eye as it closes and it makes a gurgling noise as if it just died then.
  • "Just because someone rolls over and goes 'ugh' doesn't mean they're dead!"
  • "If you're all alive, then surely Wimp Lo...(flies are heard buzzing off-camera)...Oh."
• The Chosen One's sissy meltdown when he can't figure out how to pull off Betty's caps (and the narration that accompanies it.)
  • Ling trying to heal the Chosen One's hands after they're injured in training.

  Ling: (after putting lemon juice and salt on Chosen One's wounded palms, she then breaks a thermometer and pours the mercury on them) And this?

  Chosen One: ...You broke a thermometer in my hands.

  Ling: Rub it all in my hair. (Chosen One does so while she hums along with the soundtrack)

  Chosen One: You just get stranger and stranger and stranger.

  • The capper to that scene, after Chosen One says that his hands feel like they're on fire: "So, you really think that's hot? 'Cause I'll show ya hot." She then proceeds to light Chosen One's hands on fire.
  • "You have helped me reach the next level. And here, I thought you were just a sadistic psycho-bitch."
• Betty at the start of the next scene: "So, what you- what you guys doing later, huh? I was just going to hang out, but...maybe we could get a pizza or, you know, scam some chicks or something, right? 'Cause, um, I don't know...I do like the ladies, you know. I do like 'em. Hmm, I like-a them, and they like-a me back."
• Chosen One contemplates on the best method to remove Betty's two Caps of Power:
• During Chosen One and Betty's climactic duel, Betty asks an underling to play the boombox and blasts...Frankie's "The Morning After". Chosen One then throws a ninja star, making it play a remix of Ram Jam's "Black Betty (Rough 'n Ready Remix)".
• "THAT'S A LOTTA NUTS."
  • "THAT'LL BE FOUR BUCKS BABY! YOU WANT FRIES WITH THAT?!"
  • "HE JUST LEFT, WITH NUTS!"
• "Enjoy The Paralyzer! (Betty hits Chosen One's right arm, which becomes useless) Another Paralyzer!" (does the same to the other arm, and the Chosen One helplessly flaps them around)
• After the credits, Master Tang is still exactly where the Chosen One left him after he was injured by Betty's iron claw.

  Master Tang: Hey.... is someone going to come get me? Theres like, a hawk or something! (Shows the hawk tearing some meat from his leg) Oh dear! That's not good! Ummm, Mr.Hawk? Could you please, uh.... stop with the leg eating? (Crew laughs offscreen.) Oh my.... hey, it's not funny! What's so.... he's a PREDATOR for crying out loud! (Screen fades to black) HEY! Just because you fade to black doesn't mean he stopped!!! He's still EATING ME! I PROMISE! SOMEBODY GET ME A STICK!!!!!...... Savethewhales.'''

• The "What They Were Actually Saying" alternate Audio track, turns it into a straightforward (untranslated) Mandarin Kung Fu movie with some guy walking around saying things that don't make sense even in English, with some exceptions:

  Chosen One: You are the Pie Man. Your pies are known for miles around.

• There's lip flap and delays to the dialogue throughout the film as part of the parody, obviously spoofing poorly-dubbed foreign films, and makes for a good amount of the humor. Even the dog isn't immune to it!

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Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Funny/KungPowEnterTheFist

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